My penchant for Ellie Goulding is no secret. Frankly, I'm ready to take things to the next level.

I'd like to buy her.

A coworker of mine in Abilene (Frank Pain) started a GoFundMe campaign to buy Dave Grohl, his favorite musician. And it's getting some traction!

If Frank can raise money to hang out with the Foo Fighters front man, then who's to say I can't raise some scratch so I can spend all day giving Ellie Goulding foot rubs and playing with her hair?

I'm asking my fans to donate a total of $5,000. I have no idea how this will actually allow me to legally purchase another human being, but let's just go with it.

In the event that we don't raise the $5,000, I'll donate whatever funds we do raise to a local suicide prevention campaign right here in Boise. So while this might seem ridiculous, it really is for a good cause.

(Update) Apparently my campaign was a "violation of terms and conditions" via GoFundMe. However, if you still want to help out my friends at the Dragon Flybrary, please do so here.