The Five Types of People You’ll Run Into at Piehole at 2 a.m.
We've all been there. Bars are closed, you need to sober up, so Piehole it is. Prepare yourself, because these are the regulars you're going to have to deal with.
Blacked Out Guy
It never fails. You walk in, there's only a few places to sit, and one of them is always taken up by some dude who's passed out in his pizza pie. Isn't there a "Pass Out Get Tossed Out" rule or something? It should be a cardinal sin to sleep in your pizza. Pony up, blacked out guy.
"Why Are We Even Here" Girl
Here's the thing: She secretly loves Piehole. But every time she's about 3/4 done with her slice, it's "Ugh, why are we even here guys?" Because, you obnoxious dolt, it's 2:15 a.m., nothing is open, and we're all hungry. If you don't like it, leave. We'll find a new annoying girl to be friends with.
No, the pizza isn't gluten free, vegan, free range, keto-friendly, or any of that crap. It's low-grade greasy sloppy pizza. That's why you go to Piehole. If you want to wait in line for 25 minutes for a uppity pizza slice you can brag about on Instagram, go to Whole Foods. You can compare beard oil with every other guy there.
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuude let's get some 'za!" Ugh, with you? Let's not. Party guy always has to be the loudest person in the pizzeria. Which, being only about 18 square feet, is way too loud. Your James Franco-wannabe chants echo off the walls. STFU, party guy. Also, lighten up on the Axe Body Spray plzkthxbai.
Crying Girl, how is it every freaking time we go into Piehole, your boyfriend just dumped you? Words cannot express how much we don't care about that, or him, or honestly you right now. Just shut up, eat some pizza, girl-up and deal with it. On the bright side, you'll get to date him for another six days until he dumps you again!