A Letter to My Son on Mother’s Day

There’s a piece of my heart that had been closed all my life. It was a place I didn’t know existed until the day I first saw your face. For the past 7 years, my life has been turned upside down in a way I wouldn’t trade for anything.

To say that I love you is an understatement. I want a word that is bigger. A word that describes the way my heart aches when you tell me you love me. A word that can capture the feeling of pride I get when I see your true personality shine. I haven’t found that word but I will continue to search until you can fully understand this feeling. It may not happen until you have a child. That’s what my mom always told me. “You don’t know this kind of love until you have a child of your own.” Nana was right. Again.

Mother’s Day, to me, isn’t what we all know it to be. It’s not about flowers or presents. It’s a time for me to reflect on how incredible you have made my life. On August 3, 2008, I had no idea what to do. You came into this world in the simplest and least dramatic way. When I saw your face for the first time, I didn’t know what to do. I was no longer in control of my heart and certainly not the first person on my priority list. You became my everything. The doctors and nurses let me take you home. I didn’t get a book or instructions – just a kind nurse helping me with your car seat and making sure we were all in the car safely. I remember looking at you thinking the hospital had made a mistake. They couldn’t possibly think I knew what to do next.

Since that time, you and I have grown together, created traditions, made memories, been silly, endured some tough times and continue to be ridiculous. Although, it’s starting to get to the point where you feel I’m more ridiculous than you. It's almost the time where, when you're acting like a brat, I will turn my music up loud and sing with the windows down just to embarrass you. I’ve made you that promise and I will follow through. What makes me smile thinking about that moment is that you’d probably join in.

I want the world for you. I want you to feel confident enough to be the person you truly are. I will always show you love and be your biggest fan no matter what you choose to do and who you choose to be. You can continue to play drums, you can start basketball in the fall, you can play flag football or you can read your Diary of a Wimpy Kid books well into the night. You can do this for as long as you’d like. It’s up to you. Follow your heart and pay attention to what you want. What are your passions? Who are you inside? Follow that. I’ll be right by your side every step of the way.

You can’t possibly imagine the happiness I feel when I see you do what you call breakdancing. I’m not sure if that’s something everyone would call breakdancing but you do so I go with it. Be free. Dance. Jump. Do the impression of the Target Lady from SNL. Get frustrated tying your shoes for the third time because your laces are too short. Get lost in your drawings when you feel like you just need quiet time.

I don’t know how I got so lucky to have you as a son. I try not to question it and, instead, enjoy every moment I have with you. Don’t get me wrong, you drive me up a freaking wall. I have taught myself deep breathing and have learned how to separate myself from the situation so I can look at what’s happening with a clear mind rather than a level of frustration that is also new to me.

On this Mother’s Day, I want to thank you for showing me unconditional love. Thank you for teaching me how to live selflessly. Thank you for being hilarious and adorable and crazy smart.

My wish for your future (distant future) is that you will have a child just like yourself so you can understand that “full heart” feeling I get when I see you sleeping soundly in your bed surrounded by books and toys and stuffed animals. The feeling I get when you say “I love you, too”.

Baby boy, you are my life. Thank you for making me a mom. Your mom.