Dear Kekeluv – I Was Beaten, Strangled and Still Married Him – Now What?
I've been speaking about child abuse and domestic violence for about 11 years now. I'm not a counselor or professional and my advice should be taken as just that - advice. I don't live in these people's households and can't come close to being judge or jury. That said, right is right and wrong is wrong.
I remember Oprah making a statement on her show after the Chris Brown and Rihanna domestic bombshell dropped.
"If he his you once...he will hit you again." - Oprah Winfrey
That was the headline less than 24 hours after Rihanna's abusive photo was released of an altercation with Chris Brown. Domestic violence isn't racist, sexist, and has no boundaries. Anyone can become a victim. If there is one thing I've learned over the years it's that the person sitting right next to you could be a victim. Domestic violence and abuse are just things we DON'T discuss. They are nasty, embarrassing, regretful, and they have no mercy sometimes ending in death. That brings me to this blog post on a Sunday evening.
"So, I might get divorced....that's happening." That's what someone I know just dropped on me Friday and this was completely random. I was like anyone else would be I guess with the awesome response, "what?!?!" She just got married and from the outside looked like the cutest family. ha! From the outside. I should have just said, from the Social side - they were perfect! they even went on to scold themselves and said look I sound like one of those victims.
I dug deeper to find out what I've often heard too many times. This guy had busted her up a few times and most recently grabbed her by the throat, thrusting her into a wall. I haven't talked about this on the radio and I'll be very vague on this blog. I will disguise this enough that he won't know but If you're someone who might be thinking it's you - get help now and quit beating up your significant other.
I have spoken to this person and feel comfortable enough that they have assistance. People are watching. This is what gets to me and it doesn't matter how many times I say it, read it, or preach it. The result seems to be the same and the answers could be a number of retweets.
There is something inside you that gives you the answers to whether this person is bad or not. You already know that after getting punched in the car or threatened with your life that THIS person was not the future. That's when one of the following happens:
- A proposal.
- They buy you a pet, jewelry or expensive gift.
- You receive the ultimate plea for it will NEVER happen again as they wipe the blood off your face.
- They explain nobody will ever love you like THEY do and things will get better. I especially get into a mindblown moment when I hear this one. Nobody will ever love you like THEY do. THEY meaning the person that almost strangled the life out of you.
- I'll take the kids and you'll never see them again. Nobody will ever believe you.
I want to start by first saying call 911. Do NOT mess around with someone who is threatening your life. If you need shelter right now start by calling the Women's and Children's Alliance.
This is my message to more than one person but a silent majority.
Love shouldn't hurt. I will repeat, love shouldn't hurt. I watched hurt overcome my mother growing up as she was beaten up relentlessly (not by my father). The images will never fade from memory. You know EXACTLY what I mean, don't you?
We can't fault your kindness. I truly believe we all want the best out of people and hope that somewhere inside, lives this decent human being. That said, there is a dark side that is too much to overcome sometimes and we must walk away. We ONLY get this life. I recently heard a commercial and I thought the analogy was spot on.
"What if you had only one vehicle and someone told you that it would be the only one for the rest of your life? How would you treat it?" The commercial refers to health and smoking. Let me redirect with the same premise, "What if you could only choose one person for the rest of your life - no divorces or calling it quits. What if that person is the one FOREVER? Would you choose them?"
I spoke to someone who got punched by her boyfriend and still accepted his proposal. She just thought and I'm sure so many of you could complete this sentence,
"I just thought it would get better."
Dear YOU, It may getter better but lifelong statistics prove that it won't. If you're dating someone that is willing to punch you, humiliate you, strangle, threaten or anything that makes you feel deathly uncomfortable - Why would you get them another breath into your future? Aren't you worth more than that? Let me guess you got pregnant and now you think that somehow things will get better? Maybe you're fantasizing that a baby will cure their violent behavior and tame the terror that they bring down on your every dream. How has that worked out for you?
To my acquaintances, listeners, and friends It's important that you write this down somewhere. Marrying or moving in with someone that is violent will only bring it into your home. The assault doesn't disappear. It lives with you now. My advice is to hold your life too much higher standards and realize that it's never too late to live. You should NEVER be scared to come home or wonder where they are. Yes, they will say hurtful and scary things to frighten your next move because we've all seen in. Don't be a victim anymore. Someone will love you when YOU are ready. There is someone out there that will worship the ground that you walk on and you probably screw it up. That's because you need to find happiness within YOU. Go searching without them and start over because it's NEVER too late.
We only have one life to live. This weekend thousands showed up during the one year anniversary of the national women's march. Women marched for the very same reasons you sit and continue to read this blog. They marched because you matter. Period.
My message is vast and unorganized in thought but with one supreme message, "No More." You're destined for the greatest dreams that YOU'VE ever imagined and it starts today. Leave. Go. Start over. Choose happiness. Engaged and getting married next weekend? Cancel. Life goes on and everybody can just.....
Like I always say, when writing your life story, don't let anyone else hold that pen! This is YOUR autobiography. Go write it!
Question for Kekeluv? Send him a message to firstname.lastname@example.org