#TheSW30: Day 15, Patiently

Day 15: Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with. What would you say? What outcome would you hope for?

I have no clever title for today so I'll use the title of a song (if you click that, just listen to the lyrics/ignore the video...that was the only quality recording of it I could find on YouTube). I listened to a lot in October of 2012.

It would be so easy for me to call out many of the men involved in my failed situationships here.  But to be completely honest, I've heard what I needed to from one of them, another one's life is such a mess that I don't want any sort of closure with him because I don't need any of his negative juju to spill into my life and the last one...although, I'd love some explanation of why he just ghosted on me, I realize I'm probably better off not caring or beating myself up over him.

In Mandy's first eBook she says if there is a particular person in your life that's causing you more sadness or pain than joy, it's time to release that situationships to God and the Universe and trust that it is not where you belong.  I've said it before, who am I to question God's plan for me?  He wanted those situationships back from me so I could prepare for a happier life.

The one person I'd love to have closure with is my grandma. In the fall of 2012 my situationship with the salesman absolutely wrecked me.  My self-esteem was in the gutter from it.  I couldn't focus at work.  I was doing things that were totally out of character for me. I was trying anything I could to try and keep him interested in me more than what had become the sporadic evenings he'd call me to come over for wine and a movie.

It felt like the world was caving in...and I was completely, 100% immersed in the misery of it.  I've never been good at keeping in touch with my family back home and that unfortunately included the fall of 2012 when my Grandma was in the hospital.  My dad warned me that things didn't look good and a few days later my family decided to take her off the machines keeping her alive.  I had to say goodbye to her over the phone my little sister was holding up to her ear while she was unconscious.  That was the first time I "talked" to her since Christmas the year before. I failed as a granddaughter.

I was so wrapped up in my job out here and the dark, twisty things going on inside me because of my situationship with the salesman that I didn't take the time to be there for the people that in the long run really did matter in my life.  (And trust me, my little sister reminded me that when I flew home for the funeral.  That's one thing I love about her...girl is NOT afraid to tell you what she's thinking.)

I was really destroyed by that horrible gut feeling before I got on the plane back to Ohio and a friend of mine told me I absolutely couldn't feel that way.  He told me that if I spent time beating myself up over not keeping in contact as much as I should, it would ruin all the good memories I shared with my grandma.  In a sense he talked me off a metaphorical ledge the night she passed.

I'm not going to try to narrate the closure conversation with my grandma, but I would want to know if she's proud of me for taking a chance on my career and being able to support myself in Idaho or thinks I failed as a granddaughter by not keeping in touch more.  I hope that she's proud.  She was the coolest 88 year old woman ever.  I mean who else at that age listens to today's Top 40 music for four hours straight on a Saturday just to hear her granddaughter talk for 15-45 seconds at a time?  I never got a chance to tell to tell her how much that meant to me especially because I was doing the exact opposite of what all the other women on that side of the family did for employment.  (My grandma, aunt and cousin were/are in nursing and my little sister is studying to be a physician's assistant...meanwhile I talk for a living.)

If you are in any type of situation like I was where it's taken over your life to the point where you're not in communication with the people that have been there for you forever, I beg you to get out.  Reconnect with the people that build you up, not tear you down.

Who's walked out of your life that you'd like to have one last conversation with?  Let me know by tweeting me at @michelleonkiss.